How terribly and drippingly cool to work in the creative industries.
You get to wear the coolest clothes, sport the strangest hair dye and
give yourself the most glamorous sounding job description imaginable -
and get away without proving any real talent or ability.
Another
defining aspect of the creative industries is there is no code of
conduct which means anyone can say pretty much anything about themselves
without having any proof to back themselves up.
This creates a situation where filmmakers in particular have become boring.
Here, tongue firmly in cheek, are 10 ways to become a boring filmmaker:
1. Use complicated film industry slang words
Why speak clearly and sensibly when you can, in fact, roll the
simplest concept into a series of complicated scenarios. Brush up on
film industry definitions. Sprinkle these terms liberally through each
sentence that you speak or write. The more obscure the term the better.
2. Sound really important
When asked any question, respond by lowering your voice, clearing
your throat slowly and meticulously - and then begin to speak. Speak in
phrases that sound meaningful (but aren't). Stab the air repeatedly for
emphasis.
If you are writing, remind the reader repeatedly how fortunate they are to be able to access the high pinnacles of your ability.
Whatever
you do, don't poke fun at yourself. After all, no-one dares to approach
the altar of your ego without bowing down. And that's not ever going to
be funny.
3. Ramble on and on and on
Why answer with succinct and precise answers when a simple concept
can be expressed with paragraph after paragraph? If you really want to
know how to be really boring, take tip number 3 and practise it day in
and day out until your are very confident, that no matter how simple and
short the answer could be, you are able to extend it into a response
many lines long. After all, you have such an intellect that a mere
mortal may be unable to understand the logic behind your short and
brilliant response. Therefore, by taking a short answer and expanding it
with great detail and spiced with repetition you are merely reducing
the chances of being misunderstood.
While you are at it, remember that a subset of this rule is to go on and on about anything way too long.
And that includes writing blocky and chunky paragraphs on websites and in letters.
4. The tyranny of the vanity business card and job title
What ever you do, get two business cards. Get one that lists your
name and occupation - say, film journalist, or photographer. Then go to a
film organisation and get them to give you another business card and a
vanity job title, like "Consultant", or "Creative Director" or
"Executive Contributor".
Film organisations fall for this all the
time. They dish out vanity cards with swishy job titles to try and
impress other boring people at other film festivals.
By the way,
it doesn't stop with the actual business card itself. Once you have
duped someone into giving you a swishy title, you can start to fabricate
imaginary CVs and career accomplishments and plaster them on your
website. Behavior like this it, well, boring.
5. Ignore the audience
Resist the urge to speak or write naturally. A quick way to be
boring is to completly ignore your audience and speak as if you are
addressing an audience of one - yourself. If anyone challenges you and
accuses you of being boring, remember that you don't care. Rise above
such petty criticism. Becauue you are too beautiful.
6. Get some pictures
How many times has a friend come back from holiday, sat you down for
a Friday night "catch up drink" and started the conversation with: "I
have got to show you some photographs!"
This is a time-tried and tested technique to make you boring.
Get
lots of pictures of you with famous people - even if you have to
photoshop yourself into them. Get other pictures of you swanning around
at film festivals (holding your vanity business cards of course). For
added boring bonus points, make sure that these photographs are sited in
as many exotic places as possible.
7. Branded sunglasses
Make sure you constantly flip on sunglasses with a large major
design log on the shaft. Make sure everyone sees the logo. If necessary,
nonchalantly gesture to it, or tilt your head 45 degrees to make sure
they see it. Carry the glass case in your hand for everyone to see.
Don't put it in your bag. Why hide your lights under a bushel?
If
possible, don formal wear whenever possible. Girls: a slinky party dress
mid-morning makes you boring almost instantly. And guys - haul out the
shirt and tie. It's been true for generations: a suit, especially with a
tie knotted a bit too large and a suit cut a little bit too wrong will
make you the dullest gent on the street.
8. Name dropping
This tip is as old as the hills and barely merits mentioning.
Dropping names of important people into your conversation is a sure fire
way to become the biggest stiff on the street. For added marks, never
use the surname. For example "when Quentin and I... " or, "Marty said to
me... "
9. Let others fill in the blanks
Why substantiate your statements when you can make a statement, and
close off with "well, you know... " and let the listener or reader
decide what it was you are referring too.
Naturally you are by
this point hoping that everyone you meet will be so awed by your
intelligence that they won't have the balls to challenge you. And that,
my friend, is really boring, you know... ?
10. Bad mouth others
If you want to get the "best bore around" label, start badmouthing
everyone you can think of to as many people as possible all the time.
You will quickly get known as the most boring person there is.